Hey guys,I’ve been posting in the wrong sections so everything is sort of scattered. So, I’ll copy and paste my story and journal here all in one spot. It’s a lot of reading, but I give all of the graphic details.
I'll start at the very beginning. I've always been obsessed with girls, even since kindergarden. I got my first kiss in kindergarden and had a girlfriend in 1st grade. We would hold hands. In second grade basically the whole class of girls was my girlfriends, but I actually had one girl who I would talk on the phone with every night.
In 5th grade I got made fun of because the girl I danced with at the dance wasn't hot enough. Looking back, it was my best friend sabotaging me, which will become a recurring theme throughout this story. So, I tried to ask out the hottest girl in class and she rejected me. This was my first rejection. Maybe this engrained into me at a deep level that I need to date only super hot girls so I won't get made fun of.
Also, I saw p*rn for the first time in elementary school, and learned to masturbat* as well. I can't remember exactly how it happened. I know one of my friends told me about this website called Nookie. This was around 1999-2000. I think from there I must have searched for naked girls or something of the like. This is before Google, and I didn't even know the word "p*rn" existed. The first video I saw was a hidden camera of women in a shower. It was extremely low quality, but at that age and having never seen nudity in my life, the rush was like crack. I couldn't even look, I needed to ex out the window immediately. My blood pressure and adrenaline was through the roof. I think this might have hardwired me at a deep level to be obsessed with hidden camera videos.
Actually, looking back, I learned how to masturbat* at the beginning of middle school - I think. I think someone must have told me about it, so I tried. I would make a diamond shape with my hand and jack off at super high speed and org*sm almost instantly. This is without watching p*rn. The first night I did it, I org*smed at least 20 times. Maybe this hard wired me, or maybe I was already predisposed to enjoy this type of behavior. I was like 10-12 years old at the time. The next day, my penis was so blistered and chafed and hurt so bad. This is when I needed to try different techniques for masturbating.
In middle school, my best friend watched a ton of p*rn and got me into p*rn. This is back in 2002, so there were no tube sites. Just Kazzaa p*rn. We would watch it together.
At this age, we would show each other our dicks and stuff (not while watching p*rn or masturbating). Luckily nothing sexual but just typical young boy sh*t. He would tease me and say I had a small dick. He was probably just busting my balls, but I took it to heart.
In middle school I was a very cute boy, and I was also fearless with girls. I was a natural. I ended up dating and making out with all of the hottest girls in school. I also had multiple opportunities to lose my virginity. In one case with the hottest girl in school. I puss*ed out because I thought that if she saw my "small dick," she would tell the whole school and ruin my life. This is ludacris because I told her over the phone how big my dick was. I measured it with a ruler and she was intimidated by how big it was. This is when we were going to lose our virginities together. This also shows what I'm capable of without p*rn in my life.
This girl ultimately friend zoned me. I think my best friend sabotaged me behind my back. At the very least he f*cked me over because instead of pumping me up and helping me get laid, he belittled me and ruined my confidence so I wouldn't get laid. Between her and another girl at the time who rejected me, I was really starting to hate girls. I decided to just take a break from girls all together.
At this time as well, I was experimenting with different masturbation techniques. It's hard to remember, but I think I discovered quickly that using a t shirt was the best way to jerk off. This way it would feel good and I wouldn't chafe my dick. I guess nowadays they call this death grip syndrome. It makes sense because if I had to masturbat* bare handed, I would be forced to have a girlfriend, even if she was fat to get my rocks off. However, I've been extremely selective my whole life, only dating smoke shows. I guess because for it to be more stimulating than p*rn and death grip, they would need to be godesses.
Another experiment was using a pillow to masturbat*. I would basically fold the pillow over my dick and f*ck the pillow. It wasn't that stimulating because you couldn't go hard, but this would progress later on.
I used to use the office in my house when my parents weren't home to look at p*rn and jerk off in middle school. Sometimes even using the pillow. Eventually, I got my own computer in my room and started PMOing a lot more. Things were escalating.
In high school, my results with girls suffered a lot. In middle school, I was the cutest boy in school, but during puberty, I lost my good looks, and my results with girls suffered. I also wasn't as popular either. Furthermore, I was creepy. I was socially awkward and would stare at girls. I couldn't regulate it due to poor social awareness. I also grabbed girls asses in middle school. I continued this in high school and it ended up getting creepy.
Around this time, camera phones and flip phones were just coming out. I ended up getting a camera flip phone at the time. My friend would take pictures of girls thongs in class. People call them "whale tails" nowadays. I modeled this behavior and started taking creepshots of girls. This is back before iPhones so they weren't anything special, but it was still creepy.
You may think by reading this that my best friend was a creep. The crazy thing is, he wasn't. Despite being short and ugly (although he was jacked as f*ck), he got laid like a rock star. He had sex with well over 20 girls in high school, all the hottest ones. He got laid ALL THE TIME and always had the hottest girlfriends.
p*rn was also progressing in high school, with tube sites coming out around my senior year. During my senior year, I developed a chronic pain syndrome known as "chronic costochondritis." It destroyed my life. I could no longer work out or participate in athletics. It was bad. I was basically crippled in the prime of my life. It's interesting to note that in the Sexual Transmutation chapter of Think and Grow Rich he states that hypersexuality and overly stimulating yourself sexually can lead to chronic health issues. I've experienced this 100% in the real world.
I also got into the pickup community in 2007 when I was 17 years old. It was amazing, and I was learning to attract girls for the first time in my life. However, I was a virgin, so I never f*cked any of the girls. I just liked the attention. I liked making them feel massive amounts of attraction to me because it fed my ego.
I'll rewind a bit here to right before I got into pickup. I was a junior in high school, and I got my first girlfriend. She was mediocre, but still hookup material for sure. I tried to f*ck her in my room. I figured f*ck it, I might as well just lose my virginity. Keep in mind, I was on pace to lose my virginity at 14, so I wasn't concerned with breaking any records. I just figured I might as well get it done at 17.
It was a disaster. I couldn't get my dick hard and it was incredibly awkward and embarrassing. My dick was so small too because it was so soft, obviously from overly masturbating. I can remember being like "what the f*ck is going on?" I ran down stairs and tried to watch some p*rn to get it up, but nothing would work. This is before anyone even knew about p*rn addiction or PIED, so I was shocked.
See AlsoAny tips to take Creepshots discretely?Creepshots: what are they and why are they still happenin...How to Snap Top Secret Photos Without Anyone Noticing10 Tips & Tricks for Taking Awesome Candid Photographs | EyeEmThis is what lead me to my problems in pickup. I was afraid to go through that ever again. I knew that if I made them feel attraction, but never took it further, I could experience great emotions without going through that kind of embarrassment.
Everything continued to progress into my first year of college. I forgot to mention that I started smoking weed in high school. It started on weekends, then progressed to nights and weekends, and eventually progressed to me selling drugs and smoking all day every day.
In college, I continued to attract girls, but was still a virgin. At 18, I tried steroids for the first time and started losing my hair. At this point, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was never the type to be depressed, but a combination of events pushed me into my first bout of depression.
First, I had been dealing with costochondritis for over a year now. The doctors said it would go away in a couple of weeks, but over the course of the year, we tried everything and nothing worked. They checked my blood, my lungs, my heart, everything. They even gave me so much medication I had internal bleeding. It was extremely traumatic.
Second, I had been in pickup for a year. I expected by this point to be getting laid by hot girls. I could attract hot girls, but all in all, I was a failure, and still a virgin. This was frustrating as well.
Third, I had lost all of my muscle mass from not working out. I was in very good shape before costochondritis, but now I was beginning to look like a computer nerd. And finally, losing my hair pushed me over the top. My self esteem tanked. This is where things started unraveling for the first of many times over this story.
I was majorly depressed, and things would only get worse. I quit my job so I could recover from costochondritis. I had over 5 thousand dollars in the bank at the time at 18 years old. Back then that was a sh*t load of money. This money would eventually dry up to the point of selling everything I owned for weed.
At this point, I gave up. I turned to weed and p*rn. I ended up using gloves as condoms for the pillow to increase stimulation. On top of this, p*rn was progressing and getting more hardcore, just by nature of the internet and tube sites. I was also smoking a ton of weed to increase stimulation. I didn't see it at the time, but the p*rn was destroying me through guilt and shame, making my depression worse and worse. I was a broken man. Everything I had was gone.
At 22 years old, I hadn't so much as kissed a girl in years. After quitting with pickup, I could barely even attract girls anymore, even just for my ego. I was smoking a ton of weed and watching a ton of p*rn.
I'll also say this, in the midst of this life crisis, I was studying a ton of self-help. I knew that one insecurity I had was a small penis, so I decided to get a co*ck pump and an extender to solve this problem.
After enhancing my dick, I gained a ton of confidence immediately. Having studied self help for years now, I came to the realization that I needed to ditch my asshole best friend. He treated me like sh*t and it was an abusive, dependent relationship. I know this because when I tried to ditch him, he pulled some crazy ex girlfriend sh*t on me. It was tough.
After ditching him, I was in the lowest of lows. I had no friends on top of all of my other problems. I finally went to see a therapist out of desperation. I met him on the suicide hotline. At this time, I was taking a ton of adderall, smoking a ton of weed, and watching a ton of p*rn. I went into psychosis and for the first time almost committed suicide. I've had thoughts of suicide and never done it, but in the mental state I was in from the amphetamines, suicide was literally the only way out. I was losing my mind.
So, at 22 years old, I began seeing a therapist and started turning my life around. I started hanging with my friend Alex, my first friend since ditching the abusive relationship. I had the balls to tell him I was a virgin. He was actually an awesome friend, unlike my asshole friend. He tried to get me laid.
I also had a brief period in high school where me and my original best friend didn't hang out. This is because we went to different high schools. I used to hook up with girls all the time because again, I'm sort of a natural, and with the right social group supporting me, I can do well with girls. Me and my original best friend ended up getting back together because we were both drug dealers. We ended up selling drugs together.
So my friend Alex tried to get me laid. He introduced me to this girl Cheryl. She was a 19 year old DIME. I attracted the f*ck out of her with my pickup skills and he helped me set up dates and get her back to my place. When I tried to f*ck her, I went limp noodle again. It was devastating. She obviously dumped me. I confessed I was a virgin to her like an idiot, making the experience worse.
Me and my therapist at the time were working heavily on the major anxiety and depression. My first goal was to get off the pillow. I relapsed a lot but was eventually able to effectively complete this. Next, he convinced me to quit weed. Amazingly, I didn't even see weed as a problem, but he helped me with this and I started to quit. I saw a psychiatrist and got on some antidepressants. I ended up smoking more cigarettes to compensate, but I was off the weed. I still didn't see p*rn as a problem, just the pillow. Man I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now about p*rn. p*rn was the ONLY problem. Forget the weed, the costochondritis, everything. It was always the p*rn.
I ended up graduating college at 23 years old. Still a virgin. I remember balling my eyes out on my way home from my last day of school. I felt like I was a complete failure. I was into pickup all through college and never did anything with it. I thought i would be a virgin for life. My depression dipped further.
My first job out of college was stocking shelves at kmart. I was a complete loser and I knew it. I stopped hanging out with my friend Alex, but luckily, I made friends with this guy Craig at kmart. He was obese, and kind of a nerd, but he was super cool. He had f*cked over 30 girls so I figured f*ck it, I'll have this guy coach me. They were all fat but whatever, he was getting laid, and I was a virgin. I humbled myself and let him coach me.
One of my first hookups was with a 14 year old girl I met online. It was my first blowj*b. I was 22-23 years old. I'm so lucky I didn't get a criminal record out of this. This is where my sex addiction has come close to ruining my life even worse than it already has.
I also finally got a girlfriend and started getting laid for the first time in my life. I ended up getting prescribed via. I said f*ck this. I'm not going to be a virgin for life due to erectile dysfunction, f*ck that. This helped me get laid. I still didn't even know that p*rn was causing the ED. Can you believe that? I still didn't even see the p*rn as a problem. But how could I? I was so busy working through other sh*t in therapy. I needed to work through so much stuff before even getting to the p*rn.
At 24, things were getting better. I got a job at a gym, and started making more friends. The costochondritis was getting better due to physical therapy, the first thing that worked for me. I started working out again, my dream at the time. Finally, I got a job at a bar as a bouncer on weekends. This transformed my life.
I started smoking weed again at the time. This time, I was on anti depressants and pot. I watched a lot of p*rn at the time and played a ton of video games. I was complacent, and honestly I had pretty much given up on life. But I have to say, I was content for the first time in my life.
My family relationships were also improving a lot. Something I didn't mention in the story is that I was a problem child. My relationship with both of my parents was f*ckED. Especially with my Dad. I didn't follow any of their rules, and they never kicked me out. It was a broken home big time. I used to smoke weed in my room and they knew it. They couldn't stop me. I was a monster.
So, between studying pickup, working out constantly, dressing better, and working at a bar, I ended up picking up the hottest girl of my life. I dazzled her with the tightest game imaginable. After all, I was in the field 10 hours per week at the time.
I was in love for the first time in my life, and it changed my life. I acted out all of my sexual fantasies with her. I dressed her up. I even tied her up, blind folded her, and gagged her. Again, problems from p*rn addiction. I also struggled with ED throughout the entire relationship, despite being on via.
Eventually, she found out the real me. The real me behind the dazzling pickup routines and false confidence. She found out I was a full blown drug addict, and completely f*cked in the head. I was also verbally abusive towards her. I was a monster.
When she dumped me I felt pain like I'd never felt in my life. I was madly in love with her, more than any other time or girl in my life. She showed me the light, and when she left, I was back in the dark. It was brutal. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I was a complete mess for at least a month.
I had also gotten a new job at the time, and it was miserable. My new boss was verbally abusive. This was the hardest period of my life.
But, there was one silver lining to this. For the first time in my life, I had hope. I saw what was possible. True love with a beautiful woman. I was inspired. For the first time in years, I wasn't giving up, I was giving it everything I had.
I made a list of all of the things that needed to improve. I needed more friends, so my life didn't revolve around her. I needed to get in shape because I had let myself go in the relationship. I needed to keep working on myself even when in a relationship. I needed a real job, not a desk worker at a gym. Most of all, I needed to quit weed, which was a major reason she broke up with me. Can you believe p*rn wasn't even on this list!? f*cking crazy.
Amazingly, I rebounded with none other than Cheryl. It was nuts. The first time we dated, I was the virgin. This time around, she might as well have been the virgin. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a drop dead gorgeous, rich, and successful woman. I was experienced.
So I was dating Cheryl, creating new friends, quitting weed, and I went back to school. I was crossing off everything on my list. I knew me and Cheryl weren't compatible, but I needed her. I was still rebounding from the last girl. And one thing me and Cheryl were compatible with was sex.
We had so much sex it was crazy. And it just got better and better. You would think to yourself, this sex is so good, how can it possibly get better, but it did. And she was the hottest girl I'd ever been with on top of it. It was absolutely incredible. The sad thing though is that the sex was distant. It wasn't love making, it was sex. Most of the time I didn't even kiss her.
As far as the ED goes, I started taking cia at the time, so I never had a problem. One night I took via, levetra, and cia all at once and lost my vision for the night. I literally f*cked her while practically blind. I couldn't go to the hospital, because what was I supposed to tell my girlfriend what I did? Thank god when I woke up my vision was back, but now I need a stronger prescription for glasses. I'm lucky.
Over a year into the relationship, I found out that Cheryl wasn't taking her birth control. She let this slip when she was drunk. Our communication was also sh*t at the time. I learned in my last relationship that if I just keep everything to myself and avoid fights, I wouldn't get in trouble. Big mistake there. The problem was, I was addicted to f*cking her. She was literally my sex slave. To make matters worse, she loved it. She was also madly in love with me.
I ended up breaking up with her. I knew she would get pregnant and I was playing with fire. I also had rebuilt my confidence and self esteem and was ready to move on from this rebound. It was a tough decision because I loved her dearly, but I knew it wasn't meant to be.
She texted me a week after the breakup that she was pregnant. I forced her to get an abortion. She was destroyed. I felt so bad. It was the right decision though. We both deserve someone who we're compatible with to raise children, not just sex partners.
I was on top of the world when I broke up with her. I was just finishing school, would have a real job for the first time in my life. I also had more friends and was off weed. Everything on my list was complete.
Things didn't go so smoothly. My confidence slowly diminished until finally I realized. I can't get a girl. This is where things started to unravel all over again.
I acted out sexually. I started taking creepshots with my phone and masturbating to them excessively. For the first time in my life I had a major problem with p*rn.
p*rn was always a problem, especially with the pillow. But, this time it was worse. Let me rewind a bit to explain my progression with creepshots. It wasn't until I worked at a gym and had an iphone 5 that they started getting bad. I honestly didn't think much of them. But one day, it dawned on me. Holy sh*t, I have a video camera, why am I not taking videos instead of pictures? So I started testing this out. I took a lot of videos at the gym, and saved them all. At this time, my p*rn collection was MASSIVE. Years of complied downloaded videos. Again, I never saw it as a problem, so it was no big deal. Looking back, it was causing depression my whole life.
Also, when my first love broke up with me, I went to the mall and acted out. I creepshotted this girl aggressively. It was nuts because she was with her boyfreind who was a big black dude. I was in such a not giving a f*ck mode that I pulled that crazy sh*t. Unreal. He approached me talking sh*t but never did anything. It was traumatic. I was bugging out so bad at the time that I probably would have gauged his eyes out and murdered him. Maybe that's why nothing happened. But it scared the sh*t out of me.
So after my second breakup, I started taking creepshots again, but things were starting to get worse. First of all, I found candid videos on youtube. These fetish videos were a real addiction for me. Regular p*rn was never a major addiction. I kid you not, I could probably take it or leave it. But candid creepshot fetish videos were like gas on fire. This is the point in my life where p*rn addiction got bad for me.
Second, I started actively cruising for creepshots. This freaked me out bad. I also took an insane creepshot video at the gym one day of the hottest girl in the universe. She was dressed like promiscuously and bending over doggystyle and all kinds of things, and I had it all on video. I remember jerking off to this video for 8 hours straight. For the first time in my life I experienced sex addiction on a completely different level. I recognized it was a problem and immediately began working on it with my therapist.
My first attempt at quitting p*rn was around 26-27 years old. I'm 29 and a half as I write this. I would quit for a while, and then relapse. This happened a lot. The problem with this is that when I relapsed, I would binge badly.
I can remember deleting my stash for the first time in my life and how hard it was. The creepshot of that girl at the gym - I wasn't able to delete this for over a year. Insane.
On one of my relapses, I discovered millions of candid creepshot videos online. Before this, I didn't know they existed. I only had youtube and my own creepshot videos. But this was too much. This is where I started binging for over 8 hours literally every time I relapsed. It's been that way ever since.
I finally decided that I needed to block this content. I had no control over it and after a year of trying, I simply could not stop. I figured it can't hurt to block it and try and control it at the same time. So, over the course of the last 2 years, I have been blocking everything possible. My therapist has the password to the blockers. When something slips through the cracks, I have him enter the password and I block it. At this point, nearly everything is blocked that can possibly be blocked.
I'm more grateful than ever that I can block this content and experience life the way it should be - living to my full potential. However, it saddens the hell out of me to know that if it's not blocked, I'm powerless. I've tried so hard, worked with a therapist. I honestly don't know what to do to stop this. I don't know what to do. It ruins my life and I honestly just don't know if I'll ever get my life back.
I'll go over what is blocked. I have qustodio on my laptop. This blocks basically everything. There are a few candid pictures on google images that slip through. These are unblockable, but they are not powerful enough to become a real problem. Still, I wish I could block all of them, but the technology just isn't strong enough. I wrote a letter to Google stating that they aren't blocking candid creepshots. They block regular p*rn, but their software isn't detecting candid fetish pictures. I doubt anyone ever read it.
My iphone is blocked via it's own blocker. Nearly everything is blocked, but here is the problem. You can download a web browsing app which will allow you to look at images via google. It's a loophole. The only way to block these is to delete the app store all together. I've tried this but man it sucks not having the app store. I could also block my phones camera all together, but again, this would blow. I might take this step in the future. I might also try qustodio on my phone to see if I can block more content.
Blocking content has changed my life. I have gone on streaks of close to a month at a time without watching any p*rn and my life has completely transformed. I was hooking up with a girl at one point. I stopped smoking cigarettes at another point. I even got my dream job and bought a house. I'm also working on starting an online business.
Here is my problem. One, you can't block everything. Images are still leaking through, and although they aren't causing 8-12 hour binges, they are still problematic. Two, it is summer, and I have been cruising and taking creepshots more than ever in my life. This is because I don't have access to them online so my only way to experience the rush of searching and jerking is through taking creepshots in the real world. It is becoming problematic and really freaking me out. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to quit.
I'm also depressed because I'm 29 and single. I have no idea how I'll ever get a girl. This really stresses me out big time.
I suppose I could delete the app store and my phone's camera. This would force me to stop watching p*rn. It would make my life a dream. I have to say, without p*rn is night and day. I am a work horse without it. I'm charismatic, fun, confident, playful, and I work on my goals like a beast. However, if I do this, I won't have a camera on my phone or the app store. This would suck so bad. It sucks that you can't just block certain apps. Maybe I'll delete the app store and the camera for a few months and see how it goes. It certainly can't hurt.
My thing is, if it's not blocked, I literally can't stop. The only time I could stop was when I was consistently getting laid, which I'm not currently. When I was getting laid consistently, I was able to abstain. Now that it's summer, I literally can't stop taking creepshots. I hate to say it but it's true. And without getting laid, I can't stop looking at anything I can get my hands on, and the blocker can't stop everything. So that's where I'm at currently.
Anyway, that's my story and my introduction. Hopefully, someone gets something out of it. I know I should post more and it would help my recovery tremendously. I plan on posting a lot more.
